Sex and Dating Hacks for Him and Her

From How to Be Cross Eyed: Thriving Despite Your Physical Imperfection — a mémoire and lifehacking manifesto

Few men (or women) will really experience, either in intensity or frequency, sex that powerfully infuses the rest of their life with zest and vigor.
I’m a man with significant breadth and depth of sexual experiences but this chapter will include some hacks and supplements that I’m confident (either because of scientific research, meaningful anecdotal data, or first-hand experience) are biohacks for the fairer sex.
The specific supplements, Biohacks, and strategies for dialing up the hedonism on, well, your favorite thing to do…

 Kegels

This simple exercise is a real sex hack for him and her. You want to flex your pubococcygeus (PC) muscles repeatedly, this is the muscle that you contract and release when you urinate or stop urinating, holding it in. When you do a proper kegel you feel the pelvic floor between your genitals and anus firm up. Exercising your PC muscle with Kegels daily has several benefits…

• It helps men last longer in bed. Say goodbye to premature ejaculation!
• It improves arousal, orgasm, and general sexual satisfaction for women according to a recent study of 145 women.
• It improves urinary incontinence; meaning you won’t need to go pee quite so often.

Women found that these exercises could also increase their sexual desire, intensify their orgasms, and help them become multi-orgasmic. Strengthening this muscle, as we have mentioned earlier, is equally important for a man’s pelvic health and sexual pleasure. 

From The Multi-Orgasmic Man

Supplements for stellar sex

Horny Goat Weed

Has a hard (Pun intended!) earned reputation, as an erection enhancer. This funnily named herb is a game-changer for maximizing sexual hedonism and imbuing healthy masculine aggression and joie de vivre. While it has this effect in men of all ages, it’s a particularly effective agent for dealing with erectile dysfunction. To this effect it’s fast-acting, according to one user:

“I took it before bed, 30–40 minutes before sex, and oh my god, I had one of the best sex ever :) I decided to take it only on the day when I’m sure I will have sex. I took it 3 times and I can confirm that the sex is much better due to extremely hard and long lasting erections. This stuff makes me more sensitive, but on the same time I can have all under control”

The good news is that it improves the sensation of sex by 25%-50%. If you take Horny Goat Wood before having protected sex with a condom it’s not going to make it feel like you are having unprotected sex but there is a difference in sensation that is noticeable and pleasant.
You can find horny goat weed or Epimedium (its technical name) at nearly any pharmacy or vitamin store but the quality is unpredictable. You want to get pure organic stuff. I prefer powdered Epimedium because it makes a very pleasant, earthy-tasting precoital herbal tea.

The two chemicals in it, Icaritin and Desmethylicaritin, work a little bit differently in women to boost the levels of the female hormone.

Horny Goat Weed

Category: Nootropic Ingredients

Scream Cream

This transdermal cream has four vasodilation mechanisms that increase blood flow to — well, where we want the blood to flow! Its active ingredient is actually testosterone, which spikes the woman’s libido and richly enhances sensation.

I’ve heard at least several women describe this stuff in hyperbolic terms, apparently, it is a potent enabler of the vaginal orgasm.

Exogenous Oxytocin

Oxytocin is colloquially known as the love hormone, it’s associated with orgasms, massages, mothers nursing their children, and pro-social behavior.
Here’s a source of non-prescription Oxytocin Spray that looks legit. It couldn’t hurt to use it with your partner. I’d venture that as a love drug the placebo effect is a whole lot more powerful than taking Oxytocin itself, so you would want to explain to your partner what the Oxytocin spray is.

Oxytocin by RUPharma

 

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Category: Nootropics & Anti-Aging

Panax Ginseng

Will make her sing! A 2009 Korean study of 143 men experiencing erectile dysfunction, concluded after 8 weeks of treatment at 2 grams daily:

Erectile function and overall satisfaction scores after medication were significantly higher [with the mountain ginseng extract] group than in the placebo group…

Ginseng

Category: Nootropic Ingredients

It’s a good idea to combine it with other libido-promoting herbs like Pine Pollen, Tongkat Ali, or Cordyceps.

Longjack Tongkat Ali

This pleasant herb has a spectrum of beneficial effects on hormones and libido. I daily dosed it myself for several weeks and did not notice any classic Nootropic-type effects, what I did notice was the effect on libido, it made my boners awesome! Even after I’d been drinking, if I was wearing a condom, or if I’d had sex a few hours prior.

Pure LongJack Tongkat Ali

 

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Category: Nootropics & Anti-Aging

Tongkat Ali Extract by Double Wood

 

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Category: Nootropics & Anti-Aging

Yohimbe

This African bark extract is a male vitality hack with a dark side. You don’t have to look long online to come across reports of its undesirable side effects.
What’s not debated is that it dials up your libido. I will put this one in the category of worth trying at very low doses.

Yohimbine

Category: Nootropic Ingredients

I would NOT be able to enjoy vigorous lovemaking as frequently as I do if I wasn’t using these herbs. Don’t let your ego get in the way of you having the best sex life you can, if you’re over 25 years old use testosterone-promoting herbs when you’re having sex. I recall several years ago at a decadent swinger party in Medellin, Colombia I was about to seal the deal with a curvaceous brown Colombian goddess BUT I’d had some to drink and as soon as I put on a condom I disappointingly went flaccid — that hasn’t happened to me on these herbs!

Phenibut

While technically a gabaergic antidepressant, I regard Phenibut as an alcohol alternative, and anecdotally it’s reported commonly as being a libido enhancer for women that can turn a shy pussy cat into a ravenous tigress.

Phenibut

Category: Nootropic Ingredients

Diet makes a difference…

• You want to increase circulating nitric oxide before sex so get a lot of red beets on your plate.
• Anything that includes testosterone-promoting nutrients is good so broccoli for the Magnesium and shellfish for the Zinc.
• Alcohol is anti-boner sauce, if you want to have great sex after drinking alcohol you should take an extra dose of the supplements mentioned and implement the sex hacks discussed.

Gents, are you single and frustrated with dating?

A lot of my readers who are single guys tell me…

This multi-orgasmic tantra/biohacking sex stuff is very interesting but I don’t have anyone to do it with…

Trust me, the self-cultivation stage of tantric practice is a whole lot less fun than the tantric multi-orgasmic sex stage. If you don’t have a wife or a girlfriend you are missing out on savoring the very sweet fruit of cultivating this skill set.

I’m not a big fan of the irrationally hopeful…
Just focus on improving yourself and the right person will come into your life
…approach to intimate relationships, I think it’s a useless self-help platitude and it’s never worked out that way for me. I’m all about taking action, ethical hedonism, and re-purposing goals into daily habits.

If you don’t have a girlfriend now or anyone to practice these tantric methods with the bottom line is that you need to improve your social skills… or to use a little more colorful parlance; to learn the art of seduction or game, for short.
The Real Social Dynamics Youtube channels are where many men learn game. The things they teach will get you laid and get women into your life.

I’ve hung out with RSD-trained pickup artists around the world, from Medellin to Kyiv — if you apply what they teach you will have more sex. However, there are a couple of significant downsides to doing RSD-style game...

• You need to go out A LOT. The pickup artists who get laid consistently spend a lot of time going to the club; 4–5 nights a week and they spend hours and hours there, doing like 100 cold approaches a week.
• Late nights. If you’re going to take this pickup artist thing seriously you have to be prepared to stay till closing time at bars and clubs — so 2 AM, 3 AM, 4 AM, or even later.
• Club girls. I’m not so jaded and cynical to say that it’s impossible to meet quality girls at clubs, but it’s unlikely you’ll meet someone at a club that you would want to be in a long-term relationship with. You want to make sure you’re having very safe sex with anyone you meet at a club. Clubs are great places to pick up a venereal disease.
• Drunks and smokers will surround you; you’re going to have to deal with a lot of stupid, obnoxious people to get what you want.
• Short-term relationships. Most of RSD’s teaching is focused around short-term relationships, the same night lay. Which is morally dubious and pragmatically the best social science indicates that being in a long-term relationship is the most healthy arrangement for both men and women, whereas serial short-term relationships are quite bad for women and of questionable value for men.

These downsides are unacceptable to me.

• My time and sanity are just too valuable to me.
• I hate the shitty music they play at big crazy clubs.
• I’m 33, I do recommend that younger men go clubbing, some of the very best experiences of my 20s had to do with nightclubs but over time it does lose its luster.
• Also, at least here in Europe where I live, we’re seeing enough terrorist attacks on nightclubs that I wouldn’t want to be in a popular nightclub more frequently than a couple of times a year. In one of my most-listened-to podcasts, I interviewed street fight psychology expert and security consultant Richard Gannon who has well over a decade of experience bouncing at nightclubs around the world. His sage advice was…

If you want to avoid violence don’t stay out past midnight.

A lot of pickup artists would say…

So… Do Daygame — approach girls in public during the daytime.

This is a pretty good option. I think the best guru for learning daygame is Tom Torero's videos. However, my issue with daygame is that it’s time-consuming during the day. You might say…

But it only takes a few minutes to chat up a girl in a cafe or on public transit.

Yes, but in actuality, there is a learning curve to daygame that takes many hours, the daygame gurus say that to get started with the skill you need to do about 50 cold approaches a week, which comes out to at least an hour a day.
I’m quite busy during the day running my business and I’m just not able to devote that much time to daygame. Although, when I was single I still did cold approaches a couple of times a week and I have met girls I’ve dated this way, it does work — Audaces fortuna juvat gentlemen!

I’d rather meet girls at night

I’d rather have my days compartmentalized as a time to work and my nights as a time to relax and socialize. I bet you feel the same and perhaps you’re thinking…

So what I’ll do is attend a lot of “networking” functions and public events and I’ll meet girls there!

Well, that kind of works…

• I’ve spent time in some cosmopolitan cities like Berlin, Medellin, and Barcelona where you can go to networking mixers and public events seven nights a week and you will meet a lot of people. I recommend this to people who are struggling with social anxiety.
• However, you will have to shake the hands of a lot of BORING real estate agents, language teachers, computer programmers, and MLMers to meet someone that you would actually like to date. It’s pretty counter-intuitive to try to practice your game and meet girls at networking functions. I have gotten laid from going to these dorky networking functions but I had to go to a lot of them!
• Internations.org is the best, in my opinion, if I was going to go to public events, it would be theirs but nightclubs are a better option if your real reason for socializing is to meet girls.

Online Dating

You could of course join the masses and do online dating…

• Start swiping furiously on Tinder.
• Start spamming girls with some clever one-liners on Plenty of Fish.
• Fill out eHarmony’s giant personality compatibility matrix.

But the downsides to online dating are huge…

• It’s really time-consuming. If you want to get results from it prepare to spend like 10 hours a week on it; clicking, liking, hearting photos, writing messages, chatting, etc. Don’t you already spend too much time online?
• Your looks really matter. Good-looking guys do a whole lot better on online dating.
• The competition is insane! Good-looking girls are being digitally solicited by hundreds or maybe even thousands of guys. Even girls who you would honestly classify as a 3/10 are getting attention and offers for dates.
• You don’t actually know what the girl looks like until she shows up on the date!
• Online dating has always seemed deeply unromantic to me because if the girl is even remotely attractive she has hundreds of other guys hitting on her. The guy is just a commodity that is utterly replaceable with a few swipes.
• Nothing is at stake emotionally for the girl and the guy is of course kind of a wimp really because he’s emotionally insulating himself from real rejection by doing it online. Online dating is quite an unromantic endeavor!

So is there a place to easily meet girls…
Who are feminine and sexy?
In the real world?
In the evening, when it’s not going to interfere with work?
Without having to do a bunch of superfluous networking and socializing with people I’m not interested in?
Without spending a lot of money?
Without wasting hours and hours?
Doing something that’s actually fun?
Yes, there is. It’s…

 Salsa clubs.

• You can find them in almost every city in the world.
• They are frequented by attractive, feminine women; the type who take care of themselves, wearing heels and dresses.
• Salsa clubs have a good proportion of girls to guys. Sometimes a lot more girls than guys!
• Women often attend them solo or in easy-to-approach groups of two.
• Salsa clubs are nice places to hang out. The music is pleasant. You’re not surrounded by drunk people smoking.
• The salsa club crowd arrives earlier and goes home at a decent hour, usually by midnight. I’ve never seen a fight at a salsa club and I’d be a whole lot less concerned about violence there.
• Pickup artists don’t go to salsa clubs en masse, so your competition is just other guys who like to salsa dance. Who I’m not very worried about.

You might be saying…

But I don’t know how to salsa dance. I’m a total wreck on the dance floor.

Salsa dancing is easy to learn, you can go from totally clueless to good enough in about two hours of private classes and it is fun once you’ve gotten a little instruction.

Gents: You’re an IDIOT if you like feminine women and DON’T go salsa dancing!

If you’re a single guy lacking good prospects for your sex life, do some personal development, learn game, hit up a salsa club and you’ll be rewarded!

Dating advice for ladies

I know that many women find dating challenging. In my social circle, there are a few cute, single ladies who are a bit frustrated and struggling to find boyfriends. I want to recognize that courtship, dating, and mating in modernity are confusing for everyone!

I enthusiastically recommend salsa dancing to women also — you’ll meet some masculine men who are in touch with their bodies and know how to handle a woman (along with some gay guys who just love to dance) but I’d urge you to think a little deeper about what you want in a partner…
One of the keys to long-term success and happiness in dating for everyone (but probably more so for women) that the relationships gurus don’t tell you about is that you don’t want to date someone who you find 10/10 sexy. You want to resist the temptation to date someone you find extremely stimulating. The reason being is that sexiness is intoxicating (something that poets and philosophers have been telling us since time immemorial) it severely clouds our reasoning and decision-making. When you instead date someone who is a 7/10 or 8/10 you retain the ability to make good decisions that will make you happier in the long term.

I’m not just preaching here, I actually practice this…
A few years ago I was introduced to a very sexy Colombian girl with sultry eyes in a little black cocktail dress who was clearly trouble. After a bit of flirtatious conversation, she assailed me on the dancefloor of a club with this vigorous vertical lap dance. She smoked cigarettes, she liked to drink, and she seemed to be acquainted with a number of questionable characters. After a few arousing hours at the club that felt like mere moments, she was quite excited to give me her digital contact details. The next day I’d sobered up (in more ways than one), I pondered texting her and decided to delete her number, thinking to myself…

Do I want to waste more time and money seducing another one of these flaky, dramatic, vapid, and entitled Colombian women?

As sexy as I found her I was reaching a new paradigm of standards with myself and women. There were three major deal-breakers that experience had taught me to stay away from; smoking, drinking, and being a single mother.
She was on the periphery of a social circle where I had significant social cache so I could have dated her. But I knew that as soon as I got her out on a date my IQ would lower by about 15 points, my standards would go out the window and I would start making all sorts of questionable decisions.
If you want a healthy, happy, and sustainable relationship and you value your sanity I’d urge you to pass on that person who is intoxicatingly sexy.
Someone might respond to this…

Jonathan are you saying that 10/10 sexy people don’t deserve love?!

Trust me: nothing I advocate is going to prevent the sexiest of people from finding love (or at least a date). The kind of person reading this is likely an ethical hedonist that wants to enjoy the good things in life but in a healthy, sustainable way. That kind of person is going to do much better being in a relationship with someone who is not extremely stimulating or intoxicates their judgment.

My mom’s story is very illustrative of an approach to dating that works

My mom has had a mostly happy second marriage for about a decade now. Every time I interact with her husband I’m amazed at what a virtuous, competent, masculine, and charming person my mother managed to marry. She and my father divorced in my late teens. Her prospects were bleak back out on the dating market as a pudgy, suburban mother of four in her mid 40’s. She upgraded her wardrobe, got back on that exercise equipment gathering dust in the basement, and proceeded to crash and burn, trying the online dating thing.
She had rather high demands of commitment, she would not sleep with any man until they were married. This resulted in a lot of first dates that went nowhere. She attended Toastmasters which is a club for learning and practicing public speaking. There are Toastmasters chapters around the world and they are consistently attended by high-quality people interested in professional and personal development. She started dating this retired military officer who was one of the long-time Toastmasters members and organizers. He invited her to go on a cruise with him and she insisted that they get married first. He agreed and they got married. How many divorcées like my mom languish for decades in singledom growing increasingly cynical and bitter instead of finding true love? Probably most right? Clearly, my mom did something smart…
Having high, uncompromising standards and spending time with high-quality people seems to be a pretty sure bet for finding true love or a healthy relationship. In fact, that’s…

Million-dollar dating advice

At least one woman that I’ve heard of has become a millionaire thanks to this high-end networking approach to dating.
There was a slightly middle-aged yet attractive woman who wanted to marry well. So she invested a few hundred dollars in Berkshire Hathaway stock, the minimum amount needed to attend the annual shareholders’ conference in Omaha, Nebraska. She made an effort to look good and unsurprisingly as one of the very few women at the conference she was deluged with attention from the other shareholders. She collected a number of business cards and contacts, went on to date several of the wealthy men she met there, fell in love with one of them (who didn’t see the need for a prenuptial agreement), married, and ultimately became a millionaire because of their shared assets!

If I were a single woman I don’t know if I would go all the way to Omaha though. I’d probably just place myself at local events attended largely by objectively higher quality men — gold investing groups, entrepreneurship clubs, hunting and shooting clubs, mindfulness groups, fitness clubs, conservative political conferences, etc — and make an effort to look attractive and approachable.

Matriarchs of aristocratic families used to advise their daughters: if you want to marry well, like to a doctor, go hang out in the medical library of your university. Look cute and just wait for a future wealthy doctor to approach you. Now more appropriate advice would probably be to find a software or technology developer meetup, look cute and go socialize with some future dot com millionaires. It certainly won’t be as stimulating as drinking $12 cocktails in a club while some overconfident character teases you and caresses your lower back but unlike so many utterly fruitless approaches to dating, it stands a chance of really paying off. Paying off big!

I can imagine someone objecting to my advice here…

Putting on makeup and pretending that I’m interested in investing or software development seems like such a scheming, maneuvering, and unromantic approach to dating! I’d rather find love naturally! The most important thing is chemistry, not net worth!

Well, just follow your heart is the mainstream advice that the Hollywood-entertainment-industrial complex has indoctrinated many young people into believing. But it’s not good advice for smart people, lifehackers, or those disadvantaged by a conspicuous physical imperfection. I’m urging you to take a little more proactive approach to your dating and mating. It is unadulterated naivety to just follow your heart, let life happen to you, and hope that you’ll find something meaningful in the increasingly cruel and narcissistic dating marketplace.

Herbal birth control

A very personal anecdote…

Years ago when I was living in South America I faced quite a dilemma regarding birth control. I was dating this lovely 21-year-old Colombian university student...

In a moment that brought me back to high school, we were cuddling on her bed pretending to watch a movie while trysting and listening warily for her madre's footsteps coming down the hallway to make sure she was being a good Catholic girl!
She nonchalantly mentioned to me that she was feeling sick because she had just started taking the pill.
Now, this Colombiana will remain forever young and nubile in my imagination. She was eager to please and would purrrrr like a cat in bed. It was truly glorious making love to her.
The prospect of her most intimate embrace without protection was truly tantalizing, but as a Biohacker, I knew that the pill was bad news for women's health. So I found myself in quite a predicament; I did care for her and she was a pretty sharp girl, who at least pretended to share my passion for all things healthy. So I resolved to talk to her about my reservations about the pill and my willingness to keep using condoms.
Ultimately, I failed to provide her the emotional rollercoaster that the intoxicating women of that country crave, we stopped seeing each other and the dilemma resolved itself.
However; if I had known about herbal birth control and Vitamin B17 I would have had a viable contraceptive option that satisfied both my bioethics and my most primal desires.

A dubious contraceptive method

Vitamin B17 and apricot seeds in particular likely prevent pregnancy and can even be used for an herbal abortion (Yes, that's a thing!).

Vitamin B17

Category: Nootropic Ingredients

From The Tao Of Health, Sex, and Longevity...

For thousands of years, the young women of Polynesia have enjoyed complete and uninhibited sexual freedom prior to marriage, with no worries about unwanted pregnancy. Their secret is to eat a few handfuls of papaya seeds every day. The active ingredient responsible for their freedom from pregnancy is vitamin B17, more popularly known as laetrile, the controversial drug banned in the United States due to unproven claims that it can prevent and help cure cancer. (4571-4574)

Is this scientifically proven? Not really.
However, there's a significant quantity of positive anecdotal evidence and a stark lack of Nocebo reports; which you would especially expect for a birth control measure. If you wear a BrandX condom but yet somehow end up impregnating Jyll who you met at the Ladies Night at Sky Bar you're going to warn everyone you can for the rest of your life against buying those damn leaky BrandX condoms!

Anecdotal evidence

Consider that since time immemorial there's been a significant economic incentive for those who work in the world's oldest profession to prevent pregnancy. People have been having sex in exchange for money ever since we invented money, so these herbal medicine traditions arise as a result of pragmatism, not mysticism. Anything that didn't actually work surely would not have been passed down through ages from madam, to courtesan, to pimp, to streetwalker...

Complimentary methods

I’ve used a combination of natural rhythm, pull-out method, and B17 extract for nearly two years now with my girlfriend with no pregnancy scares. I’d encourage you to use herbal birth control if you’re in a long-term relationship where pregnancy is undesirable, yet not unacceptable. I would rather have her using a herbal birth control strategy than the pill which is going to fundamentally alter her hormones, psychology, and libido.
Depending upon which sexpert you listen to; the pullout method is just a little less effective than using condoms. If a woman uses the birth control pill imperfectly — namely forgetting to take it at the same time every day — its effectiveness in preventing a little bundle of joy decreases detrimentally.

I wouldn’t depend upon herbal birth control alone if I was sleeping with someone with who I did not want to have a child. The amalgamation of the limited science done and the preponderance of anecdotal accounts online doesn’t give me the confidence to bet at least $250,000 and 18 years of my life on herbal birth control working.
Conversely though, given the unreliability of conventional birth control methods, if I were sleeping regularly with someone who I didn’t want to make babies with I would hedge my bets and supplement the normal contraceptives with herbal birth control. Specifically…

• Californian apricot seeds ($20) — Nan Koehler, midwife guru, and herbalist, holds Apricot Kernels in high esteem as a birth control method. She recommends women take 5–10 apricot kernels three times a day from sex until menstruation.
• Queen Anne’s Lace ($12) — Also sometimes known as Wild Carrot but since I’m a geek I’m going to refer to it acronymically as QAL, should be used episodically in increments after sex. I scoured the internet searching for reviews or cases of QAL not working and remarkably I didn’t find any! Which you would expect if it was less effective than mainstream contraceptives.
• Neem Oil ($16) — Is spermicidal and a fairly effective form of episodic birth control according to the paper Neem: A Tree For Solving Global Problems. It should be noted that this paper and the studies referenced in it are over 20 years old, which affects their credibility. If you don’t like the smell of the oil the man can just take it in capsule form episodically, so it’s one of the few rare male contraceptives!
• Rutin — 500 milligrams taken daily after fertilizing intercourse until menstruation begins.

If I had my partner use all of them properly, the cumulative contraceptive effectiveness would be pretty close to 100%. Especially, if I’m also using the much-maligned pull-out method and Taoist semen retention methods, the chances of inadvertently making a little Roseland are virtually nil.

While the purpose of sex is procreation we do it for recreation, once you start having sex frequently with someone special you need to start thinking seriously about parenthood. If this person is not the right partner to form a family with or if you’re not ready to be a parent you need to implement birth control. No birth control is guaranteed to work — life finds a way. A significant portion of human beings on this planet are totally unintentional side effects of a man and woman who were just trying to have a good time together. The mainstream contraceptive options are far from guaranteed to be effective and they can have some nasty side effects (mostly for the woman), thus I’d urge you to research and use herbal birth control.

To Summarize

• If you’re a male over 25 years take libido and testosterone-enhancing herbs, like Horny Goat Weed.
• If you don’t have anyone to practice tantra with go salsa dancing.
• For healthier long-term relationships don’t date people you find 10/10 sexy.
• To meet good people, go to events where you’re surrounded by higher-quality people.
• Herbal birth control is a win-win for better health, better mood, and better sex.

From my book How to Be Cross Eyed: Thriving Despite Your Physical Imperfection — a mémoire and lifehacking manifesto

How to Be Cross Eyed

 

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Category: Book