The “Bad Boy” Syndrome

By Gergana Roseland

Many women totally contradict themselves.

They say out loud that they want a man...

• to give them a full accounting of his whereabouts, and what he does
  
• to not even acknowledge that other women exist
  
• who watches his words with them
  
• who cooks for them while they’re watching their favorite TV show or speaking to a girlfriend on the phone
  
• who makes no remarks about anything
  
• who trusts them unconditionally
  
• who doesn’t ask them where they are going
  
• who does agree with their mother
  
• who’ll do anything to keep them “happy” and avoid an argument

Yes, but subconsciously they dream of a man who knows what he wants, how to seduce them and make them submissive in bed. A man who knows exactly when a woman means “yes” and when she says “no”. He loves her insanely but doesn’t submit to her and isn’t afraid to argue with her. He smells like passion, power, and decisiveness. That man must constantly surprise her and keep her on her toes. She should not know at what point he might grab her and take her breath away with a kiss, like in the movies. He must possess the sexy vibe that a “nice guy” usually doesn’t; he has to be a man who gets checked out a lot by women and who is also a man of his word.

In a nutshell, a woman’s demands for the perfect man are basically endless, but overall she does not want a loser who is not acting like he’s entitled to his opinion. She wants an equal partner to match her passion and dominate over her in bed. Sometimes such a man is called a “bad boy”.

“Mr. Bad Boy”

I will tell you the story of a “bad boy” who was once business partner and closest friend of my husband, and to whom Jonathan Roseland owes a lot, both positively and negatively.

It’s about a young man whom Jonathan met at a party while working as a promoter at a Denver, Colorado nightclub. His name was Patrick and he was a very social yet average-looking guy. They really hit it off and soon realized that they had a lot in common; they often hung out together doing what young men do, having fun drinking, and picking up girls. Patrick would often take drugs like cocaine and ecstasy, would smoke like a chimney, and would change women the way he changed his underwear. For example, he would have a girlfriend and would cheat on her with other women whenever he was given the opportunity to do so, he didn’t like condoms, which would lead to unwanted pregnancies, abortions, and a lot of drama and female tears. Unsurprisingly, he was also a cunning businessman, creative, keen on making money, and quite dedicated to his job. He worked hard and partied even harder.

He and Jonathan became a team and even roommates. They shared a passion for fast sports cars and cheap thrills, such as parties with drunk strippers, porn stars, or just older women who wanted to prove themselves they were still “doable.” Patrick was not a leader in the true sense of the word. He would recklessly drive his car, get into a lot of trouble, laugh in the face of danger, and live on the edge — he just didn’t care about the consequences of his actions — which of course, women found simply irresistible.
Many of them knew just what they were getting into before they went to bed with him, but they would anyway, and would even develop feelings for him. They were complicit victims in their own womanizing. You’re of course thinking…

“What a sad bunch of naive women! It was their own fault, it’s obvious!”

Yes, and you’re right! But, what was the factor that blinded them so much that they didn’t reconsider what they were doing, having unsafe sex with a man who could hardly offer them anything beyond a sweaty, drunken romp? He was not movie-star attractive. Not that he was ugly but in my opinion (and I have VERY high standards when it comes to male beauty) he wasn’t outstanding in the looks department and Jonathan excelled him.

The secret, dear ladies, was that Patrick was exciting, dangerous, unpredictable, unceremonial, for whom rules and norms did not exist, who would grab life by the pussy and partake of every pleasure offered, without thinking of the price he needed to pay later on. He was arrogant, presumptuous, overconfident, selfish, and hedonistic. He cared for nothing and no one but himself. As cunning as he was in business, he was equally irresponsible in his personal and social life. He would treat the people around him badly and would always find something to reproach Jonathan for, in an attempt to humiliate him. At the time my husband genuinely admired him and tried to learn from him, which I find anything but smart.
Nevertheless, women continued to line up for Patrick, forgiving him all infidelities, lies, and abuses. They were captivated by this “bad boy” that made them suffer but also provided them with the excitement and unpredictability they craved; he didn’t bore them even for one second, so they were ready to do anything for him.
Many of them believed they could “save” him from his bad habits and help him transition from a “bad” into a “good” boy, an illusion that none of them was ever able to accomplish.

Jonathan eventually broke up his business with Patrick. He moved out of the apartment they had shared and terminated his relationship with him, which was one of my husband’s best yet hard-to-make decisions.

In the end, Patrick paid a very high price for the life he led. He was found in his BMW in Miami, Florida, where he’d died from an overdose, at only 30 years old.

And now I’m asking you, ladies…

Which one of you would like to have a relationship with such a person?

I have no doubt that each and every one of you will say “Not me!” Although, the sad truth is that there are way too many women who subconsciously dream about just such a man.

The other extreme on the male spectrum we’ll discuss is the so-called “nice guys”. In my opinion, a more honest label would be losers or chumps. I’ll explain what I mean…
The “nice guy” label is generally only applied when a man’s behavior indicates that he is not actually being nice, although he thinks that he is.
The “trying to be nice guys” that are walked over can be truly nice or they can be the inoffensive “nice guy” type that’s using niceness to get what they want. True colors show when they’re rejected or challenged. Chances are if someone is calling you a “nice guy” they’ve seen something in you that makes them question your motives.

“Mr. Nice Guy”

I was introduced to Valeri by a girl I worked with about 10 years ago. I didn’t know about him until we met each other at a bar for a Halloween party. He was nothing special on the outside: relatively short, skinny, average-looking boy that you see walking down the street on a daily basis. Valeri was inoffensive and social, a nice guy. He told me that he was keen on video games, superheroes, cars, and Star Wars. There’s nothing wrong with that, but it seemed like we were constantly running out of conversation topics. As I said, he was a nice guy. I knew immediately that he was into me because he hadn’t separated from me all night and wanted to talk to me even if we had nothing to talk about. Unfortunately, I was not sexually attracted to him in any way, but I decided that because he was attracted to me, I could friend-zone him. That’s how we girls do when the guy doesn’t stand a chance to be intimate with us, but we see that he’s fascinated by our company. We just start treating him like we treat our girlfriends and that’s it.

In fact, I pitied Valeri, because he was such a nice guy and also so lonely. He would have been alone on his birthday, hadn’t I and two of my girlfriends decided to invite him out for coffee because all three of us felt sorry for him.
One of my girlfriends is also a big Star Wars fan. That was a commonality that delighted Valeri especially because she was very pretty and he would try to win her over. He started sending her timid texts as well as pictures and gifs of her favorite movie. By the way, I was getting all the same messages, the poor guy just seemed so desperate.
One fine sunny afternoon, I finally agreed to hang out with Valeri, as “friends” and to just have a cup of coffee. He did his damndest to make it a normal date, but to no avail. We could not find a subject to talk about. Every sentence exchanged between us seemed forced. I was not interested in video games, I was not such a crazy Marvel fan, not to mention Star Wars. We discussed his job at KFC, which I found less than fascinating, and just when I innocently started thinking of my way out, he came up with the one thing we had in common: reading!
Yet, we quickly discovered that we didn’t read the same kind of stuff, which honestly didn’t matter much. At one point, he asked me if I had read Dune, one of the most famous science fiction (his favorite genre) novels ever. I told him that I certainly have the title at home but I hadn’t read it and probably wouldn’t because I really didn’t like sci-fi. At this point, however, it seemed like Valeri had instead heard me say something like “I’ve always dreamed of reading this book because I love science fiction!” He started synopsizing the novel’s story, even though I clearly wasn’t interested. Patience was exhausted when he started to describe in detail the giant worms that “Dune” is known for — I voiced a sincere reluctance to listen any further, but the story went on in even greater detail about the anatomy of Dune’s sand critters, so I pulled out my cell phone and proclaimed:

“Ooh, it’s so late! (It was only around 5:00 pm) Look, Valeri, I’m sorry, but I really have to go home! It’s an emergency!”

Surprised and slightly upset he responded:

“But why? We’re having so much fun!”

My brain raced to come up with a believable excuse to escape Valeri and his worms…

“You know what? In fact, I have to leave because I have to do some cleaning at home! I just remembered! We’ll be in touch, bye…”

Valeri was disappointed, but I think he believed my excuse as he continued to text and send me various pictures. Even after this unsuccessful hangout, he did not give up at all. Every week, he would invite me over to his place to watch a Star Wars or Lord of the Rings marathon, promising to come downtown, pick me up in his car, and then bring me back. He’d promise we’d watch the movies and he would explain to me who was who because I was not very familiar with the series. Valeri’s “Let’s Star Wars and Chill” offer did not appeal to me.

Sadly (for him!), it would always turn out that I had to refuse and tell him that I didn’t know my work schedule for the week. He’d say it was okay and that he was free anytime I was available. However, I was never free to go to his place and watch movies with him. At about the same time though, I started dating Jonathan and miraculously was completely available almost every night after work, even with the idea of ​​watching a movie and spending the night…

Valeri was, I’m sure disappointed. I, like my friend, never promised him anything. I didn’t even give him the slightest hint that I could give him more than friendship, but our Padawan persisted in pursuing me fruitlessly until he realized I had a boyfriend. I guess he got upset and offended. My intention was by no means that, but the truth is he looked extremely pathetic from the very beginning, and this is one of the most repulsive male traits for a woman. I’m not saying he’s ugly or anything. Physically, I wasn’t attracted to him at all but the main thing that wasn’t sexy about him was his behavior. This guy lacked self-confidence, a good sense of humor, creativity, sexiness, and style. When we talk about a “nice guy” we usually mean some boring, very ordinary guy, unattractive, and harmless… like Valeri!
I hope one day he can find the girl for himself. I sincerely wish him that. I just hope he doesn’t get taken advantage of by some despicable woman; clueless men like him often get used financially and emotionally, along with getting cheated on behind their backs. He may be a “nice guy” with hidden inner beauty but he needs to expand his horizons beyond video games and pop culture. Reading personal growth books like those by Dale Carnegie and Stephen Covey could really help him. Video gaming usually goes hand in hand with porn addiction, which certainly does him no favors in success with women. It will only make him drown more and more in that mesmerizing digital quicksand of pixels.

“Prince Charming On A White Honda”

The knight in shining armor, Mr Right, The “One”, the Perfect man… They all exist solely in our heads and are different for each of us.
One woman likes blondes, another one likes bodybuilders, a third one likes men with beards and tattoos, a fourth one wants him to be well-educated, and a fifth one, for him to be financially independent. The truth is that we can’t have all the qualities of a man at the same time. Of course, there is no perfect woman either, because both genders are just ordinary human beings with their qualities and shortcomings.
However, there are also men who have far more positive features than negative ones, like one of my husband’s little brothers, Alex, whom I mentioned in a previous chapter. Alex is a handsome, very fit guy in his early 30s. He is intelligent, has a good sense of humor and various interests, likes to read mostly non-fiction, sometimes meditates, and being a real American sure knows how to handle a firearm!

He is a proud owner of an AR15, as it’s one of the most reliable and most economical guns but perhaps not necessarily the prettiest toy in the gun store.

He can be a romantic homebody, but also enjoys noisy parties, is not addicted to anything, nor has he ever been, even though he has tried a lot. His parents are very religious, but he is not and he does not require his partner to be. He is liberal in many ways and is inclined to compromise if he sees the same from the other side; he has never betrayed the woman he was with, because to him lying and infidelity are unforgivable and demeaning for both partners. Alex is a person who does not like conflict and does his best to solve his problems through communication, logic, and common sense, rather than yelling and violence. He’s extremely responsible and trustworthy, his family and friends appreciate him a lot. While he’s social, he’s not a party animal. He’s a successful internet entrepreneur, who wisely invests in gold and silver. It is very easy to get along with him as he is good-natured and easygoing within reasonable limits. He respects the people around him, cares about his girlfriend, and showers her with affection.
Also, we should not forget that he hasn’t been with a lot of women he did not care about, (unlike for example my husband who’s slept with many) and I’d only say that is of Alex’s benefit. Not that he couldn’t, he just didn’t want to because for him having sex only makes sense if he is with a woman he holds dear and who feels the same about him in return.
But no! Alex is not perfect and has drawbacks like any man — he does not dress very stylishly, preferring comfortable jeans over a suit when going out for dinner with a lady. Yes, he mostly sounds like everything you’ve ever dreamed of, right? A real-life Prince Charming on a white horse (or in his case, a white Honda) The truth is, there’s something in Alex’s life that would chase many women away…

Something that would make him drop everything in the middle of it without a bit of hesitation, whether it was a romantic candlelit night, a vacation, a business meeting, a long line at the store just before it’s his turn…
Something or more specifically someone who will always come first in his life… the lady of his heart… the girl before whom the most gorgeous beauty with chiseled legs looks bland, and whom he would not leave for the world. Every woman who dates Alex must know that no matter what, she is his priority number one. That would be his adorable five-year-old daughter.
He is a single dad who cares for his little princess very much and makes sure she needs for nothing.

Given the chance to date such a man, could you accept that you would always come second in his life?

Could you accept being neglected if he had to answer the phone to his ex-wife at 3 a.m. in the morning because his daughter was having a nightmare or was in pain? What if he had to run immediately and leave you alone? What if you and your “Prince Charming” were looking forward to a romantic weekend “sex marathon” at a resort, then at the last moment he couldn’t make it because he had to look after his daughter? How many women would put up with being his number two? I would think, not many.
You would get tired, irritated, and might just leave at some point because we women are programmed to demand attention and want all our man’s attention for ourselves. Of course, it sounds selfish and ridiculous, but such is our nature, dear girls. Especially in the beginning, when we are in love, we want him to think constantly about us, not to be able to eat, do his job, work out, take a shower without non-stop imagining how he will see us, kiss us, make love to us, where he will take us, etc. And we cannot picture him thinking of anything else. When the relationship becomes more serious, we want him to think about us as the priority and numerous women get annoyed if their guy prefers something else to them, such as his business. Competing with the flesh of his flesh is impossible, of course, and the battle for his attention is lost in advance.

Therefore, my advice is not to try not to find your near-perfect Alex, but to find him BEFORE he becomes a single father. This will give you the chance to create this little princess (or prince) together, without feeling threatened. Then your “Alex” will make sure that you and your child are equally important to him, because you will be a family, and he will consider you the woman who gave him the most precious and irreplaceable gift ever — your little angel.
I have not met many men like Jonathan’s younger brother, but I know that they exist, however few they may be! This is a man capable of making a woman happy long term, although he will not provide her with the excitement that too many girls are drawn to like bugs to a bug-zapper.

You have to think about what you prefer in life…
Excitement?
or
Happiness?

This is a very important question that you need to figure out before you go on another date. If you want excitement that is unlikely to bring you happiness, you’ll choose a man like Patrick. Keep in mind though that you will surely be weeping a lot along the way as you do all those crazy, reckless, dangerous, exciting, and unpredictable things with such a “bad boy “.
The truth is that he will just use you and throw you away as an unnecessary item once he satisfies his sexual urge with you a few times. Maybe the sex will be very passionate, maybe you can do it on the roof of a skyscraper, during a big party, in the shower while his girlfriend is visiting her parents, or in his fancy car.

Now, perhaps you’re thinking:

I get it, but exciting things and experiences make me happy. I’m not sure if I’d be happy with a man that was “nice” and predictable.

In that case, I’ll have to respond:
Grow up! If you are over 18 you are already a mature person who cannot act as an unconscious teenager. The type of exciting, nonchalant, unpredictable man will lead you nowhere, and happiness with him will only be temporary, he will only bring you destruction and disappointment. He’ll say…
“You’re special, but not the only one.”
Just like Charlie Harper on the “Two and a Half Men” series. In the end, he will just break your heart.

Long-term happiness, on the other hand, is something that almost every person strives for. However, it must be meaningful, not fleeting, as my husband says. Such happiness is built with genuine concern for the other person, responsibility, thoughtful decisions, compromises on both sides, common sense, mutual plans for life, dedication, sacrifice, and acts of love! A man like Alex could give you all this, and more if you agree to trade the constant hunger for fun and thrilling experiences for a cozy relationship, woven with tranquility, security, and sincerity in which lies, unreasonable unjustified jealousy, infidelity, and fighting have no place. Every self-respecting woman has the chance to meet “her Alex” and from there on, to do her best to keep him. Do you think it’s difficult? It is not. You just have to be faithful to him, put some effort into the relationship, communicate openly with one another, appreciate, and love him.

I found “my Alex” in the face of his brother Jonathan, who, albeit different from him in some regards, is my Prince Charming on a white horse. The two seem to be alike in many ways, which is fantastic because if Jon were still friends with Patrick we probably wouldn’t even know each other. Or if we had somehow met, I wouldn’t have taken him seriously at all.

So I advise you to avoid the so-called “bad guys.” They are not just lost-in-the-dark innocent souls, that you have to save by indulging their bad behavior. No matter how hard you try to get them to change for the better, you will not only waste your time but you’ll also suffer tremendously.

The modern woman’s need for a man

Many women consider themselves strong and independent and say they don’t need a man because they can pay for everything on their own. These are women with careers. They make their own money and do not need a man to pay their bills or drag their heavy grocery shopping bags up to the 6th floor because they pay rent on the first of the month for an apartment with an elevator. They economically do not need a man, but they want one because they want love. They are successful in their careers and economically self-sufficient — if this is you, congratulations!

The very common “I want a man, but don’t need a man” attitude was understandable before the unprecedented COVID-19 global pandemic that impacted all our lives. If we’re being frank, in a crisis, plenty of single women panic and do not know what to do. Some of them live with their parents who need both physical and emotional care. Because of evolutionary psychology, men are much more likely to anticipate a major crisis and prepare for it.

For example…
Jonathan has actually been preparing us for this global pandemic since the summer of 2019, before the first person even got sick in China. This is because a good man just has an intuition for the threats that his family will face. Every time we went to the grocery store we’d buy some cans of non-perishable food “just in case”, as he’d say. Our friends and my family made fun of that but at one point it turned out that people were really stocking up because of the dangerous virus. It was possible that some foods would disappear from the shelves in the supermarkets in Bulgaria, as had happened in many countries. It was not advisable at all to go out to the store, especially since the infection.
Thanks to Jonathan we had enough supplies not to go out for quite a while until we had masks. We could even provide them to my mother and father who are elderly people at risk. Honestly, it would have been a lot harder for me without him and I wouldn’t have known how to react in a proper way. Both of my parents are dramatic people, especially my mother, and they easily freak out, which would definitely take its toll on me. Quarantine with them alone would have been extremely difficult for me, but thanks to Jonathan, that time went relatively painlessly and I would say that I did not even feel the crises as he was by my side. I didn’t feel lonely and knew that I was protected and could rely on him. He also purchased a number of high-quality immune-boosting supplements which he would give me daily, assuaging the stress I had that I might get sick with this virus.

Americans are used to stocking up on supplies, weapons, gold, and silver in the event of a crisis, so it should be no wonder why my husband decided to buy an extra jar of nutrition-rich tahini and honey every time when we went to the store. It’s just part of their culture. As soon as the Chinese city got infected, I remember him warning me “It’s coming here. We need to be prepared.” He was my rock during those days, I never needed to worry about us running out of food, joining a crowd of people desperate for food, or getting seriously ill.

You may be an economically independent woman, who can afford your own rent, car, and to enjoy some of the finer things in life. But you can never be a man, and a good man will have a special intuition to foresee and protect you from the very real risks that threaten you. We’ve all learned in 2020 that we are still living in history; a comfortable, safe life is not promised to you, in fact, there’s a real chance that you’ll face serious adversity, the kind of adversity that must be met with masculine strength.
A “bad boy” or as I prefer to say “asshole,” would not lift a finger for you in any way, let alone during such a worldwide pandemic as COVID-19. I should mention here that Alex had prepared very well and his house was short of nothing. He had even invested in precious metals! A woman with such a man would not need anything — even in times of crisis! I also needed nothing even though it can be said that my husband is a former “bad boy”.

Mission accomplished

On vacation in Primorsko

Just out walking the dog

Date night dining

Life is good on the black sea coast

At Obzor beach

Catchin' some rays

The wifey brought some sexiness to this video about downloadable medicine

Therefore, ladies, be very thoughtful and defy that stereotype of the foolishly impulsive woman. You get to decide what type of man is in your life…
Exciting and completely irresponsible, who sweeps you off your feet because of a temporary rush that will eventually bring you down emotionally.
Or
A stable down to earth man who values ​​life, knows what he wants, and whose priority number one is his family.
The choice is yours.

From my upcoming book: “I Don’t Need A Man!” — And other myths robbing you of true love

Originally published on Medium.com