How we kept our sexual "flame" FIERY after five years of marriage
| By Jonathan Roseland |
This November, Mrs. Roseland and I are celebrating our fifth anniversary. While it has been a rocky five years (for us and the world!), I found the happiness I didn't give a damn about in her enduring embrace. I'm proud to report that our sex life is better now after a half-decade of marriage. On a fairly regular basis, we will still have spontaneous sex in the middle of the day just because we feel like it! Apparently, a lot of couples struggle to keep their sexual flame as the years pass, so in this article, I'll share seven things we do to stoke the flame...
Libido-supporting supplements
I'm a Biohacker, so I'll start with supplements...
Horny Goat Weed - After having tried a bunch of different male enhancement things, this one is my favorite! This herb has an experiential effect that you'll enjoy - about 30 minutes after dosing it in capsule or powder (in an earthy-tasting tea) form, you'll feel like a 17-year-old who has scored a date with a cheerleader. Read up on it, it does a lot more than make your boners great again and try it. Do experiment with the dose, it's one of those things that you can take in dosages a lot higher than what's suggested on the packaging.
Great news: it's also an aphrodisiac for women. My wife reports more intense orgasms taking a capsule or two before sexytime.
Tongkat Ali - This is another herb with erectogenic and testosterone-supporting effects. Well-worth trying stacked with the one above and below...
Tribulus Terrestris -- An aphrodisiacal Ayurvedic herb for upgrading male awesomeness. It's the subject of over 30 human clinical studies that validate its use in supporting sexual health in men and women. Although it's not as experientially acute as the other herbs mentioned here.
Yohimbe - This is an extract of an African tree that superpowers your libido with adrenalin. It does have some (manageable risks) so read up on it before trying it, but you can have some awesome sex on this stuff.
A smart person once said, "If you're having marriage issues and a dead bedroom, BEFORE going to couples therapy get your hormone levels checked and fix them" and that tip can save you a lot of money and frustrating long hours on a shrink's couch. The first three herbs mentioned all support healthy sex hormone levels.
Read sex and relationship books
If you want to not suck at something (like being a husband and a lover), read books on the topic. So I read a book or two about sex, relationships, or women every year and I always learn a few new things that make our marriage better. I read She Comes First about cunnilingus, and discovered I really didn't enjoy performing cunnilingus but in the book, I learned a few things about clitoral stroking, and now I can consistently deliver my lady powerful orgasms.
A lot of guys assume that they can just manage their marriage intuitively; follow their gut, do what their own parents modeled, or conform to mainstream cultural mores and they pay an astronomically high cost in drama, stress, frustration, and time spent in therapists' offices along with fortunes (small and large) lost in contentious divorces. Don't be like them - read books so you don't suck at marriage!
Sexual focus
We don't go for any stylish, modern monogamish stuff. In fact, we focus our sexual energies exclusively on each other. This was initially more of a challenge for me than it was for her; going into our marriage...
I held onto a promiscuous mindset; that I, as a man, needed to observe the beauty of different women. As a result, I enjoyed porn infrequently and would ogle the slutty photos that are unavoidable on social media. "I'm just giving myself a little visual variety," I told myself. I justified my behavior; my snooping around on the internet was a "preventative measure" - if I felt the desire to cheat, I'd relieve myself with images of other women. I never did feel the desire to cheat and, of course, my wife eventually found what I was looking at in my browser history...
I had explained to her in vague terms that I might use porn to satisfy my desire for visual novelty, but when she found the porn it enraged her and broke her heart. To me, it was just mindless "internet entertainment," but to her, it was a betrayal. When we dated and before we married we discussed what constituted cheating for us, we both agreed it was NOT cheating to observe and quietly appreciate (for a moment) the beauty of a stranger of the opposite sex passing on the street. I took this as my "hall pass" to indulge in a little porn use. With the clarity of hindsight, my porn use was a betrayal of the spirit of our marriage and commitment to forsake all others. And it had a dire effect on my wife's self-esteem and our marital tranquility for months.
My wife does not have a history of promiscuity as I do, so discovering my desire for the fakest of women was devastating. In one of the more difficult conversations of my life, she confronted me with what she had found and demanded change. Which, oddly, was a relief for me, it was a reason to quit a shameful bad habit that I didn't even enjoy very much. Properly motivated, I've never returned to porn. What lingered though was a toxic self-belief, that I'd be somehow unfulfilled as a red-blooded man with testosterone pumping through my veins without a little visual variety.
This had to change, so I employed the epigenetic mindset transformation meditation method developed by Dr. Joe Dispenza. It is a powerful tool for personal change and since that 50-minute meditation session, I've had zero desire to watch porn or peek at slutty photos on social media. In fact, now when attractive women cross my path in the real world I pay them about as much attention as you would a soap advertisement. My lustful eyes are now for my wife only.
To quote from my tell-all article, I forgot what D’Artagnan taught me and got my dick BURNED by a LASER
Nightly validation
Married life entails the expenditure of so much mundane effort serving each other that it becomes easy to assume that the other must certainly feel fully appreciated, understood, seen, respected, loved, and desired. But (NEWSFLASH) it does not work that way. It's all too easy to get myopically focused on the shortcomings of the other and overlook all that they do for us. So on alternating evenings before bed, my wife and I tell each other what the other has done recently that we appreciated. And then we reiterate our exclusive sexual desire for and commitment to each other.
Date night roleplaying
You might not be on as many creativity-stimulating Nootropics as I, so feel free to steal from +60 SILLY sexytime roleplaying scenarios or 22 Scintillating Sexy-Time Roleplay Scenarios.
Daytime dance parties
Lately, as a fitness frolic/intimacy exercise, we take a break three times a week to have a 20-minute dance party together (in our underwear), usually to EDM remixes of pop or Hip Hop. No matter how serious our day has been, this sweaty session puts a big smile on both our faces and often leads to...
Tantric sex
I first heard of Tantra many moons ago on a pickup artist podcast. One of the expert instructors explained that he would almost never ejaculate with his girlfriend and instead would have nonejaculatory full-body orgasms. And that this was a loyalty hack that helped keep him committed to his girlfriend while his job entailed cold-approaching a lot of attractive women strolling the London streets to demonstrate daygame to his students. I was intrigued!
The things that you can do to improve your relationship and sexual stamina - like couples therapy and going to the gym to up your testosterone - tend to take a lot of time and work along with not being cheap. But not Tantra. In about three weeks of "practice" you'll become a multi-orgasmic man, much more capable of powerfully pleasing his lady. It's been so beneficial for my marriage that I put together a deep-dive 7-part course that guides you through everything you need to know.
Which you can watch the first module of for free here...
When I got married, I promised myself three things...
- I wouldn't cheat on her, having an affair.
- That I wouldn't end up with a slovenly, overweight wife.
- I'd never end up one of those husbands whose wife doesn't want to sleep with him.
And I managed to keep those promises with relentless curiosity and by stacking strategies, tools, and techniques.
Finally...
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