Universal Basic Sex

Universal Basic Sex

By Jonathan Roseland

9 reasons why “Free Sex” should be added to the Universal Basic Income platform

Sex will be free for everyone.

Once a month the government will pay for a hooker to bang you. This sounds ridiculous but if you're socially liberal and fiscally conservative it really makes sense. Let me explain...

1. It will create A LOT of jobs. For college graduates with worthless degrees who can't find jobs, single mothers, and especially immigrants (because we all know that we secretly like to bang brown people).

get a job

2. The hookers will practice proper birth control so we won't have any more unplanned pregnancies which solves the contentious abortion issue.


3. If you're an unemployed straight white male with a muscled body and ruggedly good looks from years of working in the manufacturing sector you'll have a new career as a gigolo! It's also great for normal single women because they won't be obligated to sleep with a guy after sitting through three dates of his dumb jokes.


4. It solves Islamic terrorism because once all the guys named Mohamed start getting free sex... Well, that's the closest they'll ever get to 72 virgins, which is pretty much why they sign up to be terrorists in the first place!

Sucide bomber

5. We'll have the geeks and their AI create an app that's kind of like a cross between Tinder and Uber, it will be like the Obamacare website but you will select a hooker to bang you. There will be a matching system like Tinder where you will select hookers that you find attractive (and vice versa of course). Then a supply and demand system like Uber will determine how long you have to wait to get your free sex, but because the hookers also get to see your photos and swipe right or left it creates an incentive for everyone to go to the gym and eat healthy so they look good. This will solve a lot of healthcare problems and result in a massive boom in the gym, tanning salon, and healthy food industries. You can be a fat troll if you want but you will have to wait a longer time to get your sex ration from a less desirable hooker. Which is just fair to the hookers right?

Tinder meme

You might say...

This is the most preposterously sexist thing I've ever heard, obviously, this will just benefit straight males!

Well, yes but straight males pay WAY MORE taxes than anyone else, they deserve free sex, if we're being honest. And it really does benefit other groups also, read on...

6. It will improve wealth inequality because guys can have sex with supermodels without needing to buy a huge golden yacht, like Donald Trump or Jordan Belfort. Greedy guys won't want to get so rich to impress girls!


7. Equality-promoting Feminists should really be for it since it's so similar to the many social programs they've implemented for women. Free sex benefits everyone! Isn't equality great? Feminists also won't need to worry all the time about men raping them! All the rapists can find hookers who have rape fantasies, which is a thing according to that book that sold over 150 million copies.


Those of you who are good at math may say...

But it will increase the national debt by trillions to pay millions of hookers to have sex with everyone!

8. Actually, it pays​ for itself because people (well, men) waste SO MUCH damn time and money trying to get laid and these resources can be used so much more efficiently elsewhere in our economy.

Wasste money

If you're socially liberal enough to go along with trannies in the women's locker room, pregnant men, and all the other weirdness... Well, hey we all know legalized prostitution is coming next. If we're going to have free healthcare, free college, free abortions, and free cell phones it's just progressive to also have free sex!

9. It will also end all our expensive and pointless wars because we can just send armies of hookers into the places we are bombing/invading to seduce the guys who really like to say "Allahu akbar" loudly. So there's like another trillion dollars saved!

Republicans might not like it but once those grumpy old guys get some free sex they'll change their minds real fast, let's be honest those guys gave up on traditional family values a long time ago!

Democrats and my socialist European friends must see the genius in this big beautiful government program! There's NO WAY it could turn into a huge, civilization-ending disaster... right?


Obviously, this is a satire piece

…applying the kind of irrational liberal reasoning that UBI proponents use to sex. If you’re interested in a more empirical (yet equally witty) look at UBI, check out my thorough analysis of Universal Basic Income here.


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